There is always the thought in the back of my mind that says "you may never see David again". It is an awful thought, but an ever-present one. Besides the first day of the deployment, this is the worse day, emotionally, I've had since then.
I was looking for the key to our lock box to make sure I knew where it was when I'm traveling and while digging through David's nightstand drawer I found an envelope. It was face down and read, "DEATH: read only if I'm dead". Immediately I began to cry. I wish I hadn't found it. I wish it never had to be written. My throat dropped and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. There are so many emotions that come with finding a letter like this.
I have been on the verge of crying all day. I couldn't even think about him or talk about him today. I had to constantly keep my mind on other things. I can't imagine my life without him. We have barely gotten to begin our lives together. I don't know what I would do if he never came home. Everyday I want to hear his voice, see his face, be able to touch him again. I want to know that he's okay. Today, all those thoughts and wishes and hopes became ever more real as I imagined having to fall to my knees in tears to have to read that letter. I can't even imagine the pain and agony of loosing a spouse. I don't even know how to express the feelings that I have inside. I want to pour all of them out in hopes that I might feel better, but I can't. I don't know how to get them out, I can't tell you what this feels like. I can't tell you how hard it is to catch your breath when you're crying so hard, you can't see. I can't tell you how to control your body when all you want to do it fall to the ground and cry. I don't know what to say or what to think. I wish there was no need for David to have to write such a letter.
I will hopefully never know what is written in that envelope. I can't imagine how he felt having to write such a letter. It breaks my heart to think of him upstairs writing that letter as I slept soundly in bed dreaming of him. What was going through his mind knowing that he may never return home to me? Never get to see me or talk to me or hold me again? Never have kids, never get to watch them grow up? Never get to grow old together? Never come home.
Dear LORD,
I want to first thank you for all the blessings that you have gave to me. Sometimes I don't thank you enough. You have done so many wonderful things for me and have always kept me safe.
I know that Your will be done, but please bring my husband back home to me. Please keep him safe. I need him in my life more than anything I will ever ask you for. I can't imagine continuing on without him. You know my heart and you know how happy that man makes me. I want to be able to hear his voice again, to see his face, to hold his body, to be my comfort. I ask that you guide him and all fellow military members back home to safety.
Humbly I pray to You,
Krissy
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