Now as of September 2011 he is deployed to Afghanistan. 7 months -- 210 days -- 5,040 hours -- 302,400 minutes -- 18,144,000 seconds. Anyway you look at it I will be without my husband for too long. I know that I shouldn't complain because other branches are gone for much longer, but I can't help but be overwhelming sad. In the past 24 hours we have had our last kiss, our last dinner, our last homemade breakfast in pajamas, our last meal at Subway, our last trip to the movies, our last night together, our last waking up; and as you can imagine the list can go on forever. I like to tag today as "the worst day in my life, thus far". I think that it is. My life hasn't been easy, but hasn't been rough. I've never loved someone so hard in my entire life and now have to let him go in a matter of minutes.
(As a disclaimer, I never share my feelings. This is new to me. I need to be open about what I'm feeling, for his sake and for mine. Please bare with me as I pour my heart out.)
Today began with formation followed by family day...then sendoff. They gathered at the new barracks to load the containers with all their gear. So much gear. The Marines were allowed 3 issued bags and one carry-on. Everything they need for 7 months in 3 bags. Could you do that? I'm not sure that I could.
I don't have photos of family day because David and I slipped away to have some last minute moments with each other. We drove down to a park, walked around and sat in the grass, held each other and cried. We ate lunch at one of his favorite places, Subway. He was so sad/nervous/uneasy he didn't even finish his lunch. Heartbreaking.
As the buses arrived, I started to cry, not a loud cry, not a sobbing cry, it was weird. It was a calm cry, the one where you know you can't control anything and you are loosing everything. Just steady tears streaming down my face as I silently prayed hard for my husband.
I know he is nervous, I know he is scared, I know he is sad. But there is nothing I can do to calm him. I can't hold him, I can't tell him jokes, I can't even be by his side. As he got on the bus, I couldn't even bare to stand, I slunk to the ground grabbed my camera and put my hands over my mouth.
Sobbing.
Emptiness.
The feeling of a void that can't be filled.
I love him with all my heart, body and soul. I wish we could be next to each other everyday. He is living out his dream and I would never stand in the way, but I miss my husband.
The last moments with the love of my life.
I'll be here honey. Waiting for you. Total Romance soon.
I love you David.
kristin, your words are so poignant and important for the world to hear. that said, i hope you're wrong. i hope none of the things you said were your last with david are, in fact, your last. i hope that in 7 months, when he returns to your open, loving arms, you can continue on with your total romance, and process everything he has been through, and start a new chapter of your lives. in the meantime, please know that many people who don't know david (or you) are sending out positive, loving, thankful, and forever grateful vibes to those who serve our country every, single day. they are real-life heroes, and so are the husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, children, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers who support them. it's such a heavy burden to bear, and i hope these 7 months pass safely and quietly so you and david can return to your subway and movies and total romance.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristen- I'm Sam, Brett's sister. I think we met briefly back in January when I stayed over.
ReplyDeleteVery well-written stuff up there. My heart was hurting for you-- I'm not married, least of all to a serviceman, but I have seen my other sister, who is my best friend and the one person in the world who totally understands me- off to Iraq (she's in the Army) so I can somewhat relate.
It's no fun at all.
I will be praying for you and for David. Take heart that you are not alone and you can do this!! I have a friend I will pass your blog along to, she's also married to a Marine, so I'm sure she can relate.
I will be reading!
Hi Kristen,
ReplyDeleteVery poignant your writing is. I can't imagine being a newly wed so in love and having to let him go. Trust in God and as your words say He will take care of him and you. Remember the apostles in the boat at sea and how they had to have faith that God would carry them through anything and He did. I have had that vision in a hard time in my life. It has gotten me through so much. I am here if you ever want to reach out and talk. Lots of love and hugs and prayers heading your way......Kathy