Thursday, September 15, 2011

{Hopeless Thoughts}

Busy is good.  And bad.  Today I kept myself busy most of the day.  I went to a case lot sale at the commissary (I bought food in cases for cheap at the grocery).  Purchased things that I can send overseas to David.  Rice Cakes, Arnold Palmer drinks and cup of soups.  Waking up by myself is still hard.  I want to have that kiss goodbye on my forehead as a groan noises to him that mean "I love you, have a good day at work honey".  But no, I wake up to a cold bedroom and a lonely house.  I don't make breakfast, I force lunch down and don't eat dinner.  I have completely lost my appetite.  My stomach doesn't even grown.  Even if my mind is busy, my body knows the hurt that it wants to live and the emptiness that can't be filled.

When I am feeling lonely at home, I look at pictures of trips that David and I have taken or just pictures of him.  The same ones, everyday.  They never get old, it feels like he is looking at me and smiling.  I wish that he would just step out of the picture and into my arms again.  They are just hopeless thoughts.  There are pictures of him that make laugh so hard.  A lot of our relationship has grow, developed and nurtured through Skype.  When he does crazy things or makes stupid faces, I take a "snapshot" of it.  Here are a few good examples.



I have over 100 more of these priceless, hilarious photos.  I am SO in love with this man!

**David Update**

He was in Manas, Krygyzstan at an Air Force Transit station.  He said it was pretty nice but had some funny rules.  One of them was that there is a limit of 2 beers per military member per day, except the Marines, water for them.  I think it is because Marines are crazy anyway, they don't need alcohol to make them crazier!  We got to chat via Skype last night and told me that he had slept his cold off and was starting to adjust his body to the new timezone.  Here's a photo from our Skype date:


He is even cute when he is pix-elated.  He tried to call me this morning, but with great thanks to Rickenbacker, their phone lines were down so they were unable to transfer him to me.  We get to chat with each other while I was at the grocery.  He was doing well and was going to bed.  They are now pushing out to Afghanistan sometime in the next 32-48 hours.  No more contact until then.

It is hard not knowing where he is and where he will be at what time.  Imagine the most important person in  your life.  Put them in a different time zone, on the other side of the world.  Make communication with them little to none.  Now imagine now knowing where they are.  How are you supposed to calm your mind?  How are you supposed to be at ease about their safety?  It is tough.  I get all teary eyed not knowing anything.     

Combine that horrible feeling with the fact that they are in a combat zone?  People tell me all the time, and David too, that he will be safe and come home fine.  What if he doesn't?  Are these people just trying to be nice and positive?  Or are they naive about what is happening in Afghanistan?  Are these people aware that the insurgents are using rocket launches aimed at killing Americans?  That there are machine guns used everyday?  Aimed at our loved ones?  That the fight can be so tough we have to drop 500 pound bombs on the enemy?  There are these nagging thoughts in the back of my head that says, what if he doesn't come home safe?  What if he is missing a body part?  Or mentally not stable?  What if he doesn't come at all?  What will I love my life for?  Who?  How will I continue when I lost my soul mate so young?  Those are the thoughts that we as military spouses don't talk about to others.  Please, I beg you, don't tell me he will come home safely.  That is in God's hand.  David and I pray together more often and it is beautiful and wonderful.  Please just tell us that you are praying for his safety and his safe return home.  That's all we can do.  God will handle the rest.  

I will spend the rest of the night next to my computer waiting for my husband to send me an e-mail reminding me that he still loves me and thinks about me and can't wait to be home.  I can't wait for that day.

Honey, travel safe and be smart.

I'll be here waiting for you and thinking of you all the time.

I love you David.  


1 comment:

  1. So nice to have all these David updates and pictures :). I wish we could get you a puppy dog!

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