{guilt}

Why do I feel so guilty?

Aren't I allowed to have a life?

Am I supposed to sit by my computer every moment or everyday waiting to talk to David?

What if I miss him waking up or going to bed?  Or just a midday e-mail?

I feel awful when I miss those things.  I missed a few today.  My friend is in town and we are out and about being friends and sometimes I feel guilty.  It's not David putting that guilt on me, but myself.  Like I'm being selfish, wanting to spend time away from my lonely house and with people whom I love.  I know that I shouldn't feel this way but I do.  Here is the reason behind it.  There will be, no matter what, that nagging thought in the back of my mind that David will never come back home.  That I won't see him again or I won't be able to talk to him again.  Or that I'll never hear his voice again.  I have to be there to have that potential last conversation.  I wouldn't be able to live with myself otherwise.  Ugh, it's such an awful feeling that I know so many others have as well.  I need to learn that it is okay to go out and have fun.  And even miss a conversation or two every now and then.  I do not need to feel guilty about it.  I think it will be a learning process to condition my brain to feel otherwise.  I will try.  Tomorrow is another fun filled day.  I can't wait.

**David Update**

Not much to report again.  David said that he will be planning today.  Lots of planning.  Keep in mind, David is ALWAYS "planning".  When he is sitting thinking about anything or nothing, he is "planning".  He visited the gym twice yesterday and the food is still good.  He was up bright and early this morning, and headed back to the gym.  Here is a snapshot I got of him as he was waking up.

Not very good, but you can see he is doing well.

David, even when I can't be there to chat, I am always thinking of you.  

Waiting for you to come home.

I love you David.